4weeks 4days
It's like I keep forgetting that I am pregnant. I find out today that a co-worker, who had a baby last May, is pregnant again and due this June! My initial reaction is bitterness (although I hate to admit that.) How can she have two healthy babies in a row and I can't even have one. And then I remember. Maybe I do have one growing in my belly right this very second. Hello, are you in there????
This idea is entirely abstract to me, much more so than it seemed the first time. I don't feel pregnant. I still feel like the girl who just lost her baby, not the girl who has a new one.
I didn't mean to let my miscarriage define me. I thought getting pregnant again would move me forward from it. I thought I would warp into blissfully happy pregnant girl again.
I don't mean to sound negative. I feel completely blessed and I thank God every day. I really do. But maybe it's harder for me to attach this time knowing how painful it would be to lose it. Or maybe I'm not done mourning what's already been lost. Or maybe I am just too scared to let go of what I know.
...or maybe my hormones are actually doing what they are supposed to and are taking a hold of me.
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3 comments:
I just want you to know that as someone who lost a baby to a miscarriage and has had a healthy pregnancy since then, it took me forever to exhale. It was not until I saw my belly grow and pictures of the developing baby did I even begin to allow myself to think of attaching. And still it wasn't until, I held him in my arms and could inhale his smell and soothe his cries, did I let myself fall in love with him. He is now a beautiful, energetic 10 month old, who I still constantly worry about and wonder am I going to loose him to disease or an accident? Once you know loss a piece of your innocence is forever lost. That is the part of you that dies with your baby. That's how you always remember her. It sounds so negative but it's not, it is bittersweet. Only with worry and loss can one truly appreciate the gift they are holding in their hands. After something like a baby is stolen from you, you never let yourself take any other precious gift that may come your way for granted again. That is the gift your baby leaves behind.
My advice if you want it. Find a sunny window and cuddle up with your husband. Keep your gift warm and try your best to think of soothing happy thoughts. Even at this stage negativity can be like venom. Take things one day at a time and try to figure out how this pregnancy will help you grow.
I am sending Happy thoughts your way.
I feel very much the same way, even though I'm pg again. It's hard to let go and be blissfully pregnant. That may not ever happen 100% as it would for someone that has not suffered a loss. As thankful as I am, I am still scared, and still feel bitterness when I hear about other people. Take care!
Hello my fellow blogger. I want you to know that I have these EXACT same feelings. I told DH "everyone is pregnant now except me!" to which he pointed out "you are pregnant."
I knew that... but for some reason it's not the same. Maybe I meant everyone is having HEALTHY pgs except me- but I could be having one right now too. My m/cs have also defined who I am- which I never thought would happen. I never realized what this kind of loss does to a person. You are not alone. I'm going to be following you every step of the way. Keep going girl.
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