Saturday, May 24, 2008

so tempted

23 weeks

I am tempted to cheat on my husband the other day. It happens at the dermatologist's office of all places. I am sitting up there on the table waiting for my doctor to come in for my annual mole check (what fun) when the computer screen to my left catches my eye. My name is in bold dancing across the top of the screen. It is then that I realize that what follows is not just my dermatology records -- it is all of my medical records. Including my OB records. Including my 18-week ultrasound results. Including the sex of my baby, still unknown to me. One click away.

I want desperately to hop off the table and get my hands on that mouse. One click away. But what if my doctor walks in? I know she'll be here any minute. The thought of getting caught tampering with her computer (in a johnny none-the-less) makes me feel like a criminal. So I give up on my fantasy and sit on my hands and wait. One click away.

My doctor walks in and asks me how the pregnancy's going and tells me I look great. We all know what question follows that. Do you know what you're having?

And I give her the answer I give everyone. No, my husband won't let me find out. Ha ha.

But instead of the usual responses that come next -- Oh, surprises are so fun! or Wow, you must have some real willpower! -- my doctor simply says:

Well I can tell you right now. Your husband will never know. It'll be our little secret.

I feel a sudden rush of adrenaline. Oh my gosh! I could find out today!! Right now!!! I am overcome by giddiness. The temptation is insane. I want to scream.

I take a deep breath, throw my head back and bite my lip. My doctor is standing there smiling wide at me, ready and willing, actually begging to be my partner in crime.

But...I can't do it. I let out a long sigh and tell her I just can't. I can't do this to my husband. We made an agreement. A promise. A vow. And any vow with my husband, no matter how big or small, is just as scared as our "I do's". I can't betray his trust in me. What kind of wife would I be?

And anyway do I really want the person I share this life-changing exhilarating moment with to be the lady who prescribes my zit cream???

I make it through this moment of sheer desire and temptation without my impulsivity getting the best of me. I come out clean. In the 3 years I've known my husband, this is the closest I've ever come to cheating. I think this is proof enough that I never will. I must say I am pretty proud of myself.

But still, it's a good thing I don't have another appointment with my dermatologist until after the baby is born.

baby's bedding

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

the first kicks

I've been feeling little flutters for a few weeks now but I wasn't completely sure if they were just a phigmant of my imagination or if they were really truly happening. What if I was just willing them to happen because I wanted to feel them so badly.

But two nights ago I reach a real milestone. It is bedtime and my husband is singing to my belly once again. Have I mentioned yet how completely obsessed he is with my growing belly??? Anyway he starts singing and I feel something. Or at least I think I do. So I place his hand over my belly and the next thing I know he is gasping and laughing and sitting straight up in bed saying over and over and over again, "I feel it! I feel it!" This happens 20 or so more times and his expression never loses that giant wide-eyed grin. It's one of the most incredible things I've ever shared with him.

I think this little baby loves daddy!!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

nursery furniture

We bought these two pieces today. I love them!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

guess who else is pregnant? sister-in-law!!! I couldn't be more excited! First and foremost I am thrilled for her and for my brother. They have 2 boys already and have been looking forward to expanding their family. And I can't wait to have another little niece or nephew! The best part is that they live in the next town over and I see them all the time. Our kids will even go to the same middle school and high school. I've known my sister-in-law for about 15 years and she is probably the closest thing to a sister I'll ever have. AND WE ARE HAVING BABIES TOGETHER!!!! What could be better than that?!?! Yayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 5, 2008

i remember the other side

I run into Karen in the bathroom today. I cringe every time I run into her. It's not that I don't like Karen. It's actually that I really do. She is my colleague who has lost 3 babies. I try to suck my belly back in an inch or two. But there it is, standing proud and strong, suddenly 10 times bigger than it just was, completely unsuckable, taking up all the space between us like a giant elephant in the room.

Karen smiles and says hello and I say hello back. There's not much more to say. But beneath her smile I see the pain. I know her pain. I know what it's like to run into a belly like mine when your own belly is filled with nothing but loss. I know what it's like to hate my big belly. I know what it's like to hate me. And I don't blame her for it.

I expect my friend Laurie to hate me too. She is the one who recently lost her baby at 31 weeks. But she surprises me today. I know her due date is approaching and I've been racking my brain on how to handle it. Send her flowers? A card? A phone call? I want to do something to let her know I'm thinking of her but there never seems to be a right thing to do. So I send her an email and I just tell her I'm thinking of her. When in doubt, go simple.

Get this. She emails me back and asks when my baby shower is. She says she really wants to come. This, of course, means the world to me. Not so much for my own benefit but because it's proof that my friend really is going to be ok. I had been debating about whether or not to put her on the list. How could I possibly throw my celebration in her face like that after all that she's been through? And then here she is, asking to be invited. Stronger than I had given her credit for. Possibly still hating me but big enough to swallow it down. And in reality, not really hating me at all.

Losing something does a lot of things to a person. Creating "bigness" seems to be one of them.