maternity pics!

36 weeks

My dad took these pictures yesterday at our annual family BBQ. This is the exact spot where we got married last June! Next year we'll be taking our family picture with the THREE of us!!

a wedding adventure

35 weeks

My college roommate (and friend of 10+ years) got married this weekend!! 

The wedding is eventful to say the least, and includes a trip to the ER. No, the emergency isn't for me (although I think people are wondering when they see the size of my belly!) But I win the prize of being the only one sober enough to drive -- oh the joys of being the pregnant girl. I think someone at the wedding actually uses the term "severely pregnant." I actually kind of like that.

It is quite the scene getting to the hospital. Picture a "severely" pregnant woman (who forgets her glasses and can't see and has no idea where she is going) behind the wheel next to her very drunk friend with a sprained ankle and their two 6+ feet tall husbands squeezed in the backseat with a freshly installed car seat stuck between them. I wish I got a photo of that!

Somehow we make it back to the wedding in time to hit the dance floor before it the night is over. I think our baby loves to boogie! 

The next day my husband and I head out for a family day at the beach. Can I get any bigger???

bad news

I hate having to write about bad news. But sometimes...well...sometimes news just is bad.  So here goes. My friend who lost her baby due to a placental abruption in March (she was 32 weeks) just lost another baby yesterday to Trisomy 13. She was 12 weeks this time. 

I can't stand it. I want to tell you that she doesn't deserve it. But who does deserve that? Nobody. So what gives? How does this happen??? She's already paid her dues. And then some!! She's been through more than most people ever go through. How is it possible that when you hit rick bottom you can still fall further??? Doesn't the universe have limits?

I don't have any answers. I'm just disgusted by the unfairness of life. 

And I pray for her.

my mirror moment

A woman I've never met tells me today that I will be a horrible mother. A comment like this to a woman who has already lost a baby and who couldn't be more in love with the one growing inside of her is not something you can just pass off. 

Naturally, I defend myself as best I can and then walk away from the situation. It's not until a few hours later that I have my mirror moment. I take a good long hard look at myself and for the first time, I really question myself.

What if I'm not a good mother????

What if I can't provide enough milk?

What if I can't soothe him/her?

What if I don't know what to do?

What if I do the wrong thing?

My husband can't understand my tears. I've been pretty confident about motherhood throughout my pregnancy and throughout my whole life really. I am a nurturer by nature. I've been teaching young children for 10 years. I have a degree in child development. I've been waiting my whole life to be a mother. 

As it turns out, though, none of that matters. I'm petrified.

Since the moment I discovered this baby inside of me, I've tried to give it everything. I've stayed away from caffeine, alcohol, deli meat and even my poor old grandmother's cooking (as well-intending as she is I did once find a band-aid in her fruit salad.) I've walked and swam consistently and gone to my pre-natal yoga class every week. I've eaten my fruits and vegetables. I've rested, put my feet up and taken all stress out of my life. I've read a million books, researched all the best products, and taken a class on infant care and CPR.

I've chosen a partner in life who is gentle and kind and who loves his child more than I've ever seen a man love anything. 

I don't have the answers to the questions above. And no, I don't really know what it takes to be a good mother. As much as I've tried to prepare myself, I'm still going into this whole thing as blind as everyone else. 

But here's what I do know. I love my baby. 

And I didn't have to read anything or take judgement from anyone to learn how to do that. 

baby shower!

It was such a beautiful day of celebration. My mom, mother-in-law and sister-in-law (20 weeks pregnant herself!) planned a wonderful party and I loved every minute of it. And now I am having so much fun playing with all of my new toys. Ok, I know the gifts are not exactly for me but it sure was fun opening all of them! The only gift that has yet to arrive is the little guest of honor. And what a welcome it's already received.

 I feel so blessed in so many ways.