believe in miracles but don't depend on them

My husband and I spend a weekend away at a Bed & Breakfast in Vermont. It is exactly what we need. We spend a sunny afternoon snowshoeing in the woods. We take a nap with the fireplace going two days in a row. We are treated to hot home-cooked meals. And dessert too. We eat warm cookies right out of the cookie jar. I skip out on skiing but I get to see some old friends while my husband hits the mountain. Though the thermometer is registering single digit temperatures, I am nothing but cozy. It is a perfect weekend.

In the bathroom is a poster listing life's simple pleasures. It lists things like kiss slowly and read a children's book. But there is one that really resonates deep within me.

Believe in miracles but don't depend on them.

I could have used this advice (both ends of it) with my last pregnancy. I remember reading stories -- tears streaming down my face -- of women who had miscarried, feeling strangely envious of their strength. I knew I could never survive that. I was sure of it. Only a few weeks pregnant and already my survival depended on this baby. I knew I would lay down and die if I lost it.

Of course I didn't lay down and die, though. But I felt broken in a way I had never felt before. And when the doctors gave us a 50/50 chance I didn't believe in a miracle either. I gave up. (And I'm not proud of that.)

So here I am two and a half months later -- sitting on a toilet in a B&B in the mountains -- and it clicks. I am carrying a new miracle inside of me. And I believe in it.

I believe it will all work out this time. I believe its little heart will beat strong and it will keep growing bigger. I believe we will actually bring a beautiful healthy baby into the world come September. I believe whole-heartedly in our miracle.

I believe in it but I will not depend on it.

My sense of self and my peace with life and my relationship with my husband will not depend on this baby. I am strong and sturdy. Our marriage is strong and sturdy and it stands on its own. It didn't fall down before and it won't fall down again. I won't fall down either. A baby will bring us more joy than we've ever known and add to who we are in ways I can't even begin to imagine.

But I won't depend on this baby to make me. I am already whole.