missed abortion

When I receive the bill in the mail for my d&c, the words "missed abortion" jump off the page and stare me down. They taunt me. Abortion?!?! Nothing like throwing salt in the wound. And how the hell could something that traumatic ever be called "missed"? I hate hate hate this term.

I have always been pro-choice. I believe that every woman should be free to make the choice that is right for her. That being said, I've always known that my choice would be life. I've pondered all of the scenarios and asked myself all of the questions.

What if I wasn't married yet?
What if I wasn't ready?
What if the baby was sick?
What if the baby had Downs Syndrome?
What if (god forbid) I were raped?

My answer is always the same. I would not terminate the pregnancy. I would keep the baby. I would choose life.

I think.

Because you can't really make a choice until you have to make a choice. That's the thing about choice. Until you're actually faced with it, it's really just an opinion. And opinions are made to be pondered, debated, changed and discarded. But once it's a choice, it's yours forever.

And what right do we have to make them before we really have to make them?

The choice I am finally faced with is one that I never could have possibly dreamed up. My baby is dying, but not yet dead. I can wait wait wait for her to die or I can let her go right now. If I wait, I am afraid I will die right along with her. I will not know the moment her heart stops beating and so every second of every day I will wonder. And my heart will break a little more every time I wonder until mine is no longer beating either. I will miss my final moment to say good-bye.

I choose to let her go now.

This is the hardest choice I have ever had to make, and it is not what I ever, in a million years, thought I would ever be choosing to do. But the decision is not at all clouded by doubt. It is clear. And I am sure. I make this choice with my heart.

Call it what you will, but I'm the one who knows what it means. And I don't regret it.