June 30

My husband and I got married one year ago today. Funny how much can happen in one year. We created a life, celebrated a life, lost a life, mourned a life, created another life and celebrated once again. And we held onto each other through all of it. Living our vows.

My body has literally grown another person inside of it. As I look down at my belly, I laugh at the thought of fitting into my wedding gown. Or any of the cute dresses and lingerie I brought along on our honeymoon last summer. I remember climbing the mountains in Switzerland and drinking glass after glass of red wine in the villages. We were young and innocent, and we didn't have a care in the world.  

Those days are behind us now, leaving only a faded trail of the sweet memory. We've grown (and not just my belly.) We've learned. We've experienced.

I tell my husband yesterday that we are no longer newlyweds. He agrees. We've lost that title. 

But we are about to take on a new title. Young parents. Mommy. Daddy. Family. I've never been more excited. And I've never felt more blessed than to share this incredible adventure with the man I said "I do" to. 

Because I still do. 

Even more than I did then.

scrabble name game

My husband and I decide to play Scrabble the other night. We joke that names are allowed this time, as long as they are baby names. This is funny because my husband likes to come up with pretty creative (completely made-up and ridiculous) baby names. 

I get to go first and don't have the greatest letters to start. I am about to place the word "bent" on the board. I am getting ready to put down the last letter and I gasp. There on the board is "ben", one of our top boy names. Coincidence? Or a sign that this little booger is a boy??? 

Other words follow like "boy" and "toy" and "oreos." I am beginning to think the whole game is an outline of our future son's life. It is like a cross between a game of Scrabble and a session with a Quija board. A message from above. But then there are words that pop up like "gin" and "crap" and others I choose not to discuss ever again, including some female anatomy descriptors not suitable for young readers. Let's just say there's a reason this photo only shows a small part of the board.

Anyway it was an interesting game, and at the very least, I think we've decided on our boy name!! 

nursery in progress

28-week ultrasound

     

                  

Everything is great with the baby! It is so incredible to SEE it move and FEEL it move simultaneously. We get to see its brain and its heart and all of its tiny little fingers and toes. And yes, it is actually looking at us in the second picture -- eyes open!! We don't see any extra boy parts but I don't think we'd know it if we did! I lay back on the table and my husband squeezes my hand. It is a moment of pure joy and pride. Proud of our child. There is no better feeling.

June 17

A date I used to think was unimaginably far away. A date I used to dream about. A date our families dreamt about too. June 17 was the date our first baby was due to arrive. 

And here it is. Today. And it is an extremely ordinary, regular, boring day. No hospitals. No doctors. No pushing. No visitors. No tiny little life being placed on my chest. No tears of joy. The baby inside of me still has 3 months to cook.

I feel...well...weird about it. I thought I might feel sad. But actually I don't. I don't feel sad at all. I feel weird. 

And I feel incredibly grateful. Obviously I never chose to have a miscarriage. It was one of the most devastating experiences of my life. And I hated every second of having to go through it. I loved that baby with all of my heart and saying good-bye to it absolutely broke me.

But here's the other side. I am over-the-moon in love with the baby growing inside of me right now. And I just can't imagine this person not existing. This person who kicks me every morning at 4am and every time I eat cake and every time my husband sings to my belly and right now this minute in fact. Yes, it is kicking me right now this minute even as I type. Saying, "Hi, Mom. I'm in here." If I were having a baby today, this other little life inside of me would never have existed. And I just can't fathom that.

Tonight we are going to honor the one we lost. When I found out I was pregnant the first time, my husband was away. Bursting with excitement, I went to the grocery store and bought a blue balloon and a pink balloon to surprise him with. The pink balloon flew off in the parking lot and I had to go back inside to get a new one. We both felt that that baby was a girl, and that the fly-away balloon was some sort of premonition to the miscarriage. That baby simply belonged in heaven.

So today I bought a new pink balloon. And my husband and I will set it free in our backyard tonight. Maybe it will fly all the way to our angel in heaven.

I don't think I will cry any tears today. I am not mourning. I am remembering. And I feel blessed that we were given this little angel, whose stay with us may have been short, but whose lessons are life-long. She allowed us to grow and learn and appreciate. And I will forever be grateful for her and forever grateful for the experience. All of it.

still growing

25+ weeks

I know I've been slacking about writing lately. I am finishing up the school year, and unfortunately writing report cards has taken over. And we are in the middle of a heat wave. Today's high is 99, which is more like 110 in my classroom, which is more like 115 when you're pregnant. I can barely move, never mind type. I guess this is a good test of what lies ahead for me this summer. Oh boy...

There's another reason I haven't written. My sister-in-law is having some complications with her pregnancy. I won't get into it here because this is my blog, not hers, and I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate me sharing her personal news with the world. But I'll tell you this. It doesn't sound great. I'm scared for her. Scared for my brother. And scared for my tiny little niece or nephew whom I haven't yet met. 

I hate hearing scary pregnancy stories. I always feel for the woman. And I always feel for her husband too. Because I know what it's like to get bad news. And I know what it's like to live in limbo. And I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. 

But it's different when it's your own family. Your own blood. The same brother I've known my whole life. The same sister-in-law that listened to my hysteria on that fateful day when I couldn't reach my husband. The same sister-in-law who came over after my d&c and brought me soup and sat with me all day when I was all alone.

That tiny little baby inside of her has a place in my heart already. I already have big dreams for it. It is my baby's cousin. And I already love it.

I would do anything to make this alright for them. But the only thing I really can do is pray. So I do.

And that's really all I have to say for now.

so tempted

23 weeks

I am tempted to cheat on my husband the other day. It happens at the dermatologist's office of all places. I am sitting up there on the table waiting for my doctor to come in for my annual mole check (what fun) when the computer screen to my left catches my eye. My name is in bold dancing across the top of the screen. It is then that I realize that what follows is not just my dermatology records -- it is all of my medical records. Including my OB records. Including my 18-week ultrasound results. Including the sex of my baby, still unknown to me. One click away.

I want desperately to hop off the table and get my hands on that mouse. One click away. But what if my doctor walks in? I know she'll be here any minute. The thought of getting caught tampering with her computer (in a johnny none-the-less) makes me feel like a criminal. So I give up on my fantasy and sit on my hands and wait. One click away.

My doctor walks in and asks me how the pregnancy's going and tells me I look great. We all know what question follows that. Do you know what you're having?

And I give her the answer I give everyone. No, my husband won't let me find out. Ha ha.

But instead of the usual responses that come next -- Oh, surprises are so fun! or Wow, you must have some real willpower! -- my doctor simply says:

Well I can tell you right now. Your husband will never know. It'll be our little secret.

I feel a sudden rush of adrenaline. Oh my gosh! I could find out today!! Right now!!! I am overcome by giddiness. The temptation is insane. I want to scream.

I take a deep breath, throw my head back and bite my lip. My doctor is standing there smiling wide at me, ready and willing, actually begging to be my partner in crime.

But...I can't do it. I let out a long sigh and tell her I just can't. I can't do this to my husband. We made an agreement. A promise. A vow. And any vow with my husband, no matter how big or small, is just as scared as our "I do's". I can't betray his trust in me. What kind of wife would I be?

And anyway do I really want the person I share this life-changing exhilarating moment with to be the lady who prescribes my zit cream???

I make it through this moment of sheer desire and temptation without my impulsivity getting the best of me. I come out clean. In the 3 years I've known my husband, this is the closest I've ever come to cheating. I think this is proof enough that I never will. I must say I am pretty proud of myself.

But still, it's a good thing I don't have another appointment with my dermatologist until after the baby is born.