June 17

A date I used to think was unimaginably far away. A date I used to dream about. A date our families dreamt about too. June 17 was the date our first baby was due to arrive. 

And here it is. Today. And it is an extremely ordinary, regular, boring day. No hospitals. No doctors. No pushing. No visitors. No tiny little life being placed on my chest. No tears of joy. The baby inside of me still has 3 months to cook.

I feel...well...weird about it. I thought I might feel sad. But actually I don't. I don't feel sad at all. I feel weird. 

And I feel incredibly grateful. Obviously I never chose to have a miscarriage. It was one of the most devastating experiences of my life. And I hated every second of having to go through it. I loved that baby with all of my heart and saying good-bye to it absolutely broke me.

But here's the other side. I am over-the-moon in love with the baby growing inside of me right now. And I just can't imagine this person not existing. This person who kicks me every morning at 4am and every time I eat cake and every time my husband sings to my belly and right now this minute in fact. Yes, it is kicking me right now this minute even as I type. Saying, "Hi, Mom. I'm in here." If I were having a baby today, this other little life inside of me would never have existed. And I just can't fathom that.

Tonight we are going to honor the one we lost. When I found out I was pregnant the first time, my husband was away. Bursting with excitement, I went to the grocery store and bought a blue balloon and a pink balloon to surprise him with. The pink balloon flew off in the parking lot and I had to go back inside to get a new one. We both felt that that baby was a girl, and that the fly-away balloon was some sort of premonition to the miscarriage. That baby simply belonged in heaven.

So today I bought a new pink balloon. And my husband and I will set it free in our backyard tonight. Maybe it will fly all the way to our angel in heaven.

I don't think I will cry any tears today. I am not mourning. I am remembering. And I feel blessed that we were given this little angel, whose stay with us may have been short, but whose lessons are life-long. She allowed us to grow and learn and appreciate. And I will forever be grateful for her and forever grateful for the experience. All of it.