"why me" moments

I keep having these moments that creep up on me -- moments that can only be referred to as "why me?!?!?"

The first of these moments comes while I am decorating my house for Christmas. Never mind that I am Jewish. My husband is not, and I am trying desperately to bring joy back to our home. What better way than putting those little peaceful candlelights in our windows. As I place the last one in the bedroom, the light falls from my hand to the hard-wood floor and the glass shatters everywhere. The tears are immediate. Why is God punishing me? What did I ever do to deserve this?? I am defeated. My plan for a peaceful, joy-filled home is swept into the dustpan with the shards of broken glass.

The next moment comes while my husband and I are enjoying english muffins for dinner in front of the TV. We are in our jammies under a blanket on the couch. I am cozy. I am relaxed. I am content. I reach for my plate. The muffin slips off and lands first on the blanket and then on the floor. Jam-side down. Again the tears are immediate. I cannot understand it. First my baby, then the broken glass, now this? Raspberry jam?!?!? Why why why? What did I ever do??

I have an old friend who ended our last conversation ever with "watch out, karma's a bitch." My baby was due to be born on her birthday. Coincidence? Or am I finally paying the price for kissing the guy she liked back in '99? Could this be karma coming back to even the score? Has it taken my baby?

Today there is another moment. My husband has a job interview in D.C. He is quite successful with his current job, but he is not one to close a door that has been opened for him. So he does his research and he gets excited about this new opportunity. I pick up his best suit (the one he wore on our wedding day) from the dry cleaner's. He wakes up at 4am, showers and puts on his lucky boxers. He kisses me good-bye on the forehead and I mumble him a "good luck." He is off to the airport.

A few hours later he calls me and tells me he missed his flight. What?!?! He's never missed a flight in his life. God is punishing him too?? What did he ever do wrong?

And then I realize. Nothing. He has done nothing wrong. He is as good as good gets. He is honest, smart, responsible, generous and kind. He is nice to his mother. He is nice to his step-mother. He is even nice to my mother. In fact, I can't think of a single person he is not nice to. Karma may have been here to kick me but there's just no way it would have any reason to mess with him too.

And that's when it clicks. If God is not punishing him, maybe he is not punishing me either. Maybe this is not the art of karma at all. What if what they say is actually true -- sometimes bad things happen to good people. Maybe it's just that simple. Broken glass, spilled muffins and missed flights happen to good people.

Perhaps then, lost babies happen to good people too.