I don't know what possesses me but I decide to get on the scale this morning. It's my first day going back to work and maybe I think it will help me start getting my life back in order. Instead it sends me two steps backwards. Or more specifically, 8 lbs forward.
"But you were pregnant," says my husband (who returned from his trip late last night) when he sees my eyes filling with tears.
I was pregnant. There it is again. Past tense. What else was I that I no longer am? And what am I now? Or better yet -- who am I now? Because I know I'm certainly not the same as I was.
I am bigger; my heart heavier; my pain wider.
But it seems 8 lbs is not all I've gained. I've also gained a deeper compassion for others who have lost something. I've gained an acceptance to my own vulnerability. I've gained a wider appreciation for life -- and the fragility of it. I've gained a stronger need for the people in my life. I've gained a love for my husband that goes beyond anything I'd ever imagined. Somehow in this loss, I'm coming out with more.
The 8 lbs can go but the rest is mine to keep.
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2 comments:
Good blog. It is very true. When I think of what I have gained because of my loss, I realize that miscarriage has, strangely enough, made be a better person.
That was so wonderfully put.
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