was I not ready?

I already told you about the day I discover something is wrong with our baby. But it's two days before that when I actually receive my first sign, I just don't know it at the time.

It is the day my best friend gives birth to a healthy baby boy. My husband and I rush off to the hospital to meet the new little guy. We are especially excited to visit the exact place where, in just 7 short months, we will be bringing our own little bundle of joy into the world (or so we are thinking at the time.)

We walk into the room and there is my friend, looking the happiest I've ever seen her; husband by her side; beautiful baby boy curled up in her arms. We congratulate them and they congratulate us. It is a happy, happy day. Her husband brings his new son over to me and places him in my arms. "It'll be your turn soon enough," he tells me.

I am holding life. Brand new life. Tiny. Precious. Perfect.

Suddenly my friend looks panicked. "Is he choking?!?!" I quickly hand him back to her. Did I choke him? Did I hurt him? Is he breathing? Should we call the nurse?

Turns out he just needs to be burped. The baby calms down. My friend calms down. My husband and her husband start talking sports. But I haven't calmed down. The questions keep coming. Did I hold him wrong? Will I know how to hold my own? Am I ready to be a mother? What if I'm not?

That night I go to bed with an itchy bug bite on my leg. I wake up in the middle of the night and it seems the bug bite has spread. I am scratching EVERYWHERE. Finally I turn on the light to discover I am covered in hives. Now, I have never in my life had hives. In fact, my only prior experience with hives was when my husband broke out in them the day before our wedding. Stress-induced hives.

I rush to the doctor the next morning and she gives me benadryl and promises me my baby is just fine. I schedule my ultra-sound for the next day just to be sure. This next day is the one I discover my baby is not fine.

I know if I ask any doctor in the world whether there is any relationship between the hives and the loss of my baby, the answer will be no. Absolutely not. That's crazy. It's just a coincidence.

But as much as I try, I'm just not convinced. I practically choke my best friend's new baby and then I lose my own? The irony is just too much for me. Someone up there (or in there) had to have been watching. Did I fail the baby-holding test and God changed his mind? Did he decide I'm just not ready? Did our baby sense my fear and decide she wants a different mother after all? Or worse yet, did I decide I'm not ready? Were the hives my body's way of saying, "Wait! Stop! I'm don't know if I'm ready for this!" And if so, how do I prove that I am? How do I get a second chance when I can't even look at a baby now without wanting to cry? How do I get a second chance when I blew my first one. I promised my baby life. And she died before I could give it to her.

How will I ever feel ready again?