my confession

We are currently interviewing candidates for my teaching position for next year. I will be taking the whole year off. My principal and my colleagues keep assuring me that yes, I am coming back in a year and I keep agreeing. Or at least I'm not disagreeing. Not yet anyway.

The candidates are all eager and enthusiastic and really really want this job. I can't help but answer each of the questions in my own head as I listen to these young girls spout out everything they know about teaching. There is one question that hits my core every time.

What is the difference between a good teacher and a great teacher?

I remember answering this question at my own interview here 5 years ago. I remember being enthusiastic and eager and really really wanting this job too. I was just like these girls. I knew how to be great. I had already taught for 5 years and was ready to take on 50 more.

But somewhere along the way I lost my ummph. Did my interests change? Am I just burnt out? Has this year of pregnancy/miscarriage/pregnancy been too much of an emotional distraction? Or I am just not one of those people who are meant to have the same job forever and ever?

I am a good teacher, I will admit that. My students have all learned how to read and write and add and subtract. And they all love school and I'm pretty sure they all like me. But am I a great teacher? I'd like to think I used to be. But now, instead of wanting to do better and improve and keep learning, I find myself watching the clock just wanting the lesson to be over. And at 3:00, instead of beginning my planning for the next day, there I am closing my plan book, turning out the lights and heading home. Day after day.

My heart just isn't in it.

I have definite moments of guilt. I miss feeling passionate about my job. Mostly, though, I am relieved. I have my golden ticket out. And it's a ticket nobody would question either. I can follow my gut and I don't have be a fake and fool everyone anymore. I can be true to myself. Ten years is something to be proud of anyway. And I am.

It's not that I'm not done being great either. It's just that I'm ready to put my passion and greatness towards something new.

Motherhood.