when bad things happen to good people

Sometimes there simply is no answer to the question why.

My friend, Laurie, and her husband, Gene, are good people. They are generous and warm and both have the beautiful gift of making people laugh. You almost can't not laugh when you are around them.

But I don't think they are doing any laughing today.

I see an email in my inbox today from Laurie. I haven't talked to her in a few weeks and am excited to hear from her. She is about 31 weeks pregnant and due in May. I know this because she was exactly 4 weeks ahead of my first pregnancy and I haven't stopped counting. She was actually one of the very first people I told about my first pregnancy. I sent her a picture of my positive pee stick and asked her if this was a good sign. She wrote back immediately -- we were going to have babies together!!!!!!!!

Six weeks later I lost that pregnancy. It was hard for me to talk to her. It was hard for me to talk to anyone. Especially anyone who was pregnant. She gave me some space and we didn't talk at all for a month or two. When I found out I was pregnant again in January, my husband and I went to Vermont. My husband went snowboarding with Gene and I visited Laurie. She was showing and glowing and happy. And so was I. We were going to have babies together after all.

But now it turns out we're not. The message in my inbox is not from Laurie. It is from her husband. She had some complications this morning with her pregnancy and he brought her to the hospital. She had to have an emergency c-section. The baby did not survive.

My heart drops. I am devastated for them. How does this happen? Why?

I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose a baby at 31 weeks -- to feel it move inside of me and show my belly off to the world and decorate a nursery and buy little tiny baby clothes. And then have it all taken away. How does this happen?

I know there is no answer but I can't stop asking

I can't put myself in her shoes and I will never pretend to understand what she is going through. But I can relate to parts of it. I know what it's like to resent all pregnant women. I remember it like it was yesterday. You want to be happy for the pregnant people around you but you can't help feel that jab every time you even hear the word pregnant.

And now I'm one of them. I'm the reminder of all that she's lost. I'm that bittersweet slap in the face. Suddenly the tables are turned and I realize neither side is very pretty.

I don't have much more to say. My heart breaks for my friend and for her family. And I will never understand it.