Friday, December 14, 2007

one month later

There is a big snowstorm yesterday. Everybody gets sent home from work early. My husband and I hunker down in our p.j.'s, open a bottle of wine, snuggle up on the couch by the Christmas tree and decide to play a game of scrabble. I kick his butt. We laugh and talk and actually stimulate our brains. We enjoy ourselves. It is a good night.

Later we are getting into bed and my mind wanders. I am suddenly stressed about what to make for dinner for our family holiday party next weekend. This little tangent brings me to panic mode. Suddenly my eyes are filling. Then I am crying. Then sobbing. My husband can't understand it and neither can I. Am I going crazy? My heart is bleeding and I am falling. I can't breathe. I am breaking in half. I am coming undone.

It's not about the dinner party anymore. I am crying for the 8 lbs I have gained and the breakout on my face. I am crying because I don't look like my best me. I am crying for all things I cannot control. I am crying for the newborn on the news today who stopped breathing in the backseat of her parents' car in the middle of the blizzard. I am crying for my best friend's newborn who I will see tomorrow. I am crying because I am scared to death to hold him and scared to death that my friend will ask me if I want to. I don't want to. The last time I held him, I was holding my own baby inside of me. Two days later everything changed. I am crying for the one I lost.

It has been one month to the day since I lost her. And I'm not over it.

1 comment:

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you from experience it takes time for the hurting to stop. It may never go away, but it will become manageable. I promise I still cry at the drop of a hat and I'm not sure if that will ever be different. I have been changed forever b/c of my losses. I have also grown from them and learned a strength I never knew I had. I wish that to happen for you as well. {{HUGS}}