I am nine when my mother teaches me about the birds and the bees. She tells me girls as young as me can get their period. I spend the next four years repeating "please no, please no, please no" every time I use the bathroom. I want nothing to do with it. And when it happens at age 13, I still want nothing to do with it.
I find myself doing the same thing 18 years later after I discover I am pregnant. I am terrified. Please no, please no, please no. I breathe a sigh of relief every time I see that beautiful stark white of the toilet paper.
But I lose my baby anyway. Since my miscarriage is in the form of a d&c, I have almost no bleeding. The toilet paper remains white.
But my stark white days end yesterday, 26 days after my miscarriage. I am brought right back to being 13 -- terrified and disgusted. I want nothing to do with it. Only now it's worse. It's like a big loud neon sign. NOT PREGNANT. NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE. DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT. It crushes me. I hate it.
Somehow I thought I could by-pass this misery. Our doctor had advised us to wait two cycles. We did our own research and learned there was no medical reason to do so. We decided to be rebellious and not wait at all. I was so sure I would get pregnant again immediately. I didn't even consider the alternative.
Until there it is staring me in the face.
DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT.
Do I get to add a yet to that?
(see below)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
When I was in high school, I remember my friends and I would compare our cycle lengths. I'd be jealous of those who only got theirs every 6 weeks ... b/c I seemed to get mine 3 weeks after an AF ended. I hated that!
Now, I look back and realized how lucky I am to have such short cycles.
It's funny how your perspectives change through the years relating to your period, and being pregnant. What was once a hassle, is now a blessing.
Hugs to you!
Post a Comment