bring on the pain

39 weeks

I wake up every morning wondering Is today the day??? I wonder if my body will ever do what it's supposed to do and actually go into labor. I pray that every strange tightening and every little cramp gets stronger. I pray for my water to break so at least I'll know. I pray for the pain. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. BRING IT ON!!!

I take back everything I said in my last post. This waiting is for the birds. It's funny to think back to a year ago when all I wanted was to be pregnant and stay pregnant. Well guess what -- I've now been pregnant for an entire year (minus one month) and I don't want to be pregnant anymore for another day! I want this baby OUT!!!!

Just for fun -- and because I am feeling the need to complain a little bit -- here is a list of things I will not miss about being pregnant:

*heartburn

*a squished bladder

*peeing my pants

*bending over

*weighing almost as much as my husband

*national geographic boobs

*trying to roll over in bed

*kegels

*round ligament pain

*difficulty breathing

*backaches

*pregnancy brain

*waiting, waiting, waiting

let it be

37 1/2 weeks

I've been lazy about writing lately. I don't know why. I've had things I've wanted to write about, I just haven't felt like sitting down and doing it. Not that I've been doing much of anything else. I'm actually bored out of my mind and I'm counting the minutes until I can meet my baby. 

Here's the problem, though. I don't know how many minutes to count. I am officially full-term now. Which means the baby could come tomorrow -- or four weeks from tomorrow. There is no real way of knowing. And let me tell you, that is one looooooooonnngg window. 

I haven't worked in over two months now so I've had plenty of time on my hands. Today is the first day of school, in fact, and I am not there. Ten years of first days. But this time I am home watching "The Price is Right" while the rest of the world is moving right along without me. It's weird. And let's face it, I am beyond bored out of my mind.

The nursery is complete. Every bootie and cap is washed and put away. Every diaper is in its basket. The toys are put together. The car seat is installed. The hospital bag is packed. The house is clean. The fridge is stocked. Even the toilets are scrubbed. When I tell you I'm ready, I mean I am really really ready. The only thing left to do is wait. And as I've mentioned before, I really don't like waiting.

If one more person tells me to catch up on sleep now while I can, I am going to stuff a pillow down their throat!! Do people really think I am pulling all-nighters or something?? I am sleeping as much as any other 9-month pregnant woman can sleep. I have a zillion pillows in the bed and none of them really help anything. It takes me a full 60 seconds just to roll over and I make at least six visits to the bathroom every night. So please don't tell me to sleep more. I am doing the best I can.

The other word of advice I've been getting is to take some time for myself. I sure have plenty of it. So last week I go to the beach to visit my grandma. I've gone to the beach lots of times this summer but I realize then that this is the first time I've gone solo. Every other visit has been with my nephews or my friends and their kids. And let me tell you, it is nice to be alone.

I am reading my book and enjoying the cool ocean breeze and the soft warm sand under my toes. My grandma's friend's grandson is also visiting. He is about 15 and is somewhere wavering between boy and man. He has brought his guitar along and is practicing with his friend. The song is "Let it Be."

The boy's grandma starts singing along quietly and my grandma and her other friends join in one by one. Before I know it, I am humming along too. It's kind of a funny scene if you think about it -- four old ladies in their 80's knitting their blankets, an extremely pregnant 30-something squished into a beach chair and two teenage boys all coming together for a very mediocre version of the classic Beatles song. But something about it is really really nice.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

I think about how much I want to meet my baby and how eager I am to know if it's a boy or a girl and whether it has dark hair or blonde or none at all. I want to hold it and smell it and kiss it and cuddle it up in my arms. It's so close I can taste it. And some days I just want to scream I can't wait anymore!!!!!!

But something in the music clicks for me. I need to let it be. My baby will come to me when it's good and ready. And it's not up to me. It's not even about me. I am bringing another human being onto this earth. Yes, I am its mother and I created it and have carried it for the last nine months. But this being has a mind and an agenda all of its own. If it needs more time to cook, then there is probably a reason for it. And I need to let that be. What right do I have to rush it?

Later, I take a long walk on the beach and I really spend some time with myself. I take in the salty air and the crashing waves and the warm end-of-summer sun. I realize this may be my last solo walk on the beach for a very very long time. I enjoy it fully.

I'm still really eager and anxious and will jump for joy if my baby decides to show up tomorrow. But if it doesn't (and statistics say it probably won't) I will cherish these last moments of solo-time and allow my baby to take all the time that he/she needs. 

I'm not saying this is easy for me. It isn't. I'm a control freak, and letting go of it is actually quite difficult. But I don't really have much of a choice here, do I? 

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

maternity pics!

36 weeks

My dad took these pictures yesterday at our annual family BBQ. This is the exact spot where we got married last June! Next year we'll be taking our family picture with the THREE of us!!

a wedding adventure

35 weeks

My college roommate (and friend of 10+ years) got married this weekend!! 

The wedding is eventful to say the least, and includes a trip to the ER. No, the emergency isn't for me (although I think people are wondering when they see the size of my belly!) But I win the prize of being the only one sober enough to drive -- oh the joys of being the pregnant girl. I think someone at the wedding actually uses the term "severely pregnant." I actually kind of like that.

It is quite the scene getting to the hospital. Picture a "severely" pregnant woman (who forgets her glasses and can't see and has no idea where she is going) behind the wheel next to her very drunk friend with a sprained ankle and their two 6+ feet tall husbands squeezed in the backseat with a freshly installed car seat stuck between them. I wish I got a photo of that!

Somehow we make it back to the wedding in time to hit the dance floor before it the night is over. I think our baby loves to boogie! 

The next day my husband and I head out for a family day at the beach. Can I get any bigger???

bad news

I hate having to write about bad news. But sometimes...well...sometimes news just is bad.  So here goes. My friend who lost her baby due to a placental abruption in March (she was 32 weeks) just lost another baby yesterday to Trisomy 13. She was 12 weeks this time. 

I can't stand it. I want to tell you that she doesn't deserve it. But who does deserve that? Nobody. So what gives? How does this happen??? She's already paid her dues. And then some!! She's been through more than most people ever go through. How is it possible that when you hit rick bottom you can still fall further??? Doesn't the universe have limits?

I don't have any answers. I'm just disgusted by the unfairness of life. 

And I pray for her.

my mirror moment

A woman I've never met tells me today that I will be a horrible mother. A comment like this to a woman who has already lost a baby and who couldn't be more in love with the one growing inside of her is not something you can just pass off. 

Naturally, I defend myself as best I can and then walk away from the situation. It's not until a few hours later that I have my mirror moment. I take a good long hard look at myself and for the first time, I really question myself.

What if I'm not a good mother????

What if I can't provide enough milk?

What if I can't soothe him/her?

What if I don't know what to do?

What if I do the wrong thing?

My husband can't understand my tears. I've been pretty confident about motherhood throughout my pregnancy and throughout my whole life really. I am a nurturer by nature. I've been teaching young children for 10 years. I have a degree in child development. I've been waiting my whole life to be a mother. 

As it turns out, though, none of that matters. I'm petrified.

Since the moment I discovered this baby inside of me, I've tried to give it everything. I've stayed away from caffeine, alcohol, deli meat and even my poor old grandmother's cooking (as well-intending as she is I did once find a band-aid in her fruit salad.) I've walked and swam consistently and gone to my pre-natal yoga class every week. I've eaten my fruits and vegetables. I've rested, put my feet up and taken all stress out of my life. I've read a million books, researched all the best products, and taken a class on infant care and CPR.

I've chosen a partner in life who is gentle and kind and who loves his child more than I've ever seen a man love anything. 

I don't have the answers to the questions above. And no, I don't really know what it takes to be a good mother. As much as I've tried to prepare myself, I'm still going into this whole thing as blind as everyone else. 

But here's what I do know. I love my baby. 

And I didn't have to read anything or take judgement from anyone to learn how to do that. 

baby shower!

It was such a beautiful day of celebration. My mom, mother-in-law and sister-in-law (20 weeks pregnant herself!) planned a wonderful party and I loved every minute of it. And now I am having so much fun playing with all of my new toys. Ok, I know the gifts are not exactly for me but it sure was fun opening all of them! The only gift that has yet to arrive is the little guest of honor. And what a welcome it's already received.

 I feel so blessed in so many ways.