some people

11 weeks

For weeks I've been in hiding -- avoiding my co-workers and staying far far away from the Teacher's Room, a staff hang-out full of food and smells and dirty dishes and loud social conversation. I've been sitting at my desk trying to choke down a few saltines, holding my breath if I have to pass the cafeteria and counting the minutes until I can go home and sleep.

But I have turned a morning sickness corner and my energy and appetite are coming back from the dead. (Yayyyy!!!!!) Yesterday I make my return to the Teacher's Room. I am actually feeling social and enjoying my 15-minute break. I am chatting with people I haven't spoken a word to in weeks when suddenly the woman sitting next to me turns to me and says, "By the way, congratulations!"

Very nice of her. Only I have not yet offered an announcement worthy of any type of congratulatory remark.

My face turns to stone and I quickly respond under my breath with, "It's not public yet," to which she replies, "I know. But you are."

What?!?!?! How does she know? Did she overhear something? Did she notice how green I was for weeks? Or am I already showing at 11 weeks?!?!?! I am mortified!! I make a vow to myself never to make eye contact with this woman again (which is fine with me since she's not my favorite to begin with) and I stand up and walk back to my classroom with fire under my skin. If anyone else heard her, they have enough common sense to keep it to themselves.

Once I get past her ridiculous inappropriateness, I make a decision. It's time to tell. I was planning to wait until after my ultra-sound next Friday but I suddenly don't feel like waiting anymore. I like my workplace and I like my staff and I know they will be jumping-for-joy happy for me. I don't want my news to be spread with a rumor flying around behind my back. I want to be the one to share it. I've at least earned that.

So Monday is the day.

I think.

sleeping through the first tri

10 1/2 weeks

If you're wondering where I've been and why I haven't been writing, well here's your answer. In bed. I've been sleeping about 10-12 hours at night and taking a 2+ hour nap every afternoon. And I'm still exhausted!!!! And not just a little tired. I am the all-nighter-I-haven't-slept-in-weeks kind of exhausted. Thank goodness for school vacation this week. It's been my heaven. But tomorrow is back to work for me, and I must say I am dreading it.

But as my husband puts it, it's one day closer to meeting our baby. Or at least one day closer to our next milestone. We have our 12-week ultra-sound scheduled for March 7 and I am counting the days.

That's it for now. I love sleeping. Good-night.

baby dream

My dream last night is vivid and clear. I have just had a baby. And it's a girl! She has straight golden brown hair and Irish coloring just like her father. She does not look like a newborn, though. She is older and bigger. She is heavy and it takes effort to lift her. But she is beautiful and happy and I love her.

I have no diapers and no clothes for her, though. So she spends the night with my friends who just had a baby of their own. We live in some sort of dorm and they are just down the hall. I head over in the morning to change her diaper and the two babies have already been changed by my friend's husband and are playing together.

I bring my daughter back home and invite my mother and mother-in-law over to meet her. She comes down the hall waving to her grandmothers! I head to Target to buy diapers and clothes and am overwhelmed by the number of diaper choices. I am standing in the aisle trying to understand why I can't remember her birth and whether or not I breast-fed immediately after.

I wake up to and roll over to face my husband and say, "honey, we're having a girl!!!!"

I'm 50% sure that I'm right.

our baby waves at us!

It is the most magical moment. We actually see its tiny little foot and its tiny little hand. And it is waving at us! All I can do is smile and laugh and smile some more. There is a real little person growing inside of me. And it is alive and moving. I hear the ultra-sound technician use the term "strong fetal heartrate" and it is music to my ears. I know that 179 is a very good number for 9 weeks. And did I mention the baby is measuring ahead two days. Now that is a first!!

The nurse tells us that the chances of a miscarriage at this point are very minuscule. Of course it's never 100%. But her confidence in our baby brings me confidence.

I am confident enough to slip this picture in a valentine card and send it off to my parents and grandparents immediately. This is how we tell them the news. They, of course, are over the moon.

And so are we!

8 weeks

8 weeks 1 day actually.

This is a milestone for us. Last time our first ultra-sound is at 8 weeks and we receive our devastating news. It's another whole week before the pregnancy actually ends, but 8 weeks marks the big turning point. It is the end of my pregnancy innocence. The end of my dream.

I have never been 8 weeks 1 day pregnant and still hopeful.

Until today, that is.

why i really want this baby

So I'm sitting here watching Oprah (as I do every day) and the topic being discussed is "The Secret" and the laws of attraction. Ask the universe for what you want and you shall receive.

But there are two ways of asking. You can ask from your "shallow existence" or you can ask from your "core of peace". Your shallow existence comes from your fear and neediness. And brings you nothing but more fear. Needing something is not going to bring it to you.

As I'm hearing this, something inside me clicks. Has my request for this baby been coming out of my shallows? Have I been wanting it so badly just because I am too terrified to lose another one? Have I been praying to God out of fear?

This isn't the way I want to ask.

Asking from my core of peace takes a lot more strength and a lot more thought. Why do I really want this baby? It's not really because I need it. And it's not really because I am scared of the alternative. There is something so much bigger to my desire.

What I really want is opportunity. I want the opportunity to teach life to another. I have been a teacher all my life. Officially it's been 10 years. But even before that, I taught swimming lessons. And before that, I babysat. And before that, I played in my room for hours alone teaching my dolls how to read. Teaching is something I've always done. I've been training for this ultimate job all my life. And I am ready.

I want the opportunity to do it for real and to do it forever with my own child. I want to teach generosity. I want to teach fun. I want to teach passion. I want to teach kindness. I want to teach determination. I want to teach honesty. I want to teach compassion. I want to teach love.

I want to teach life.

So universe, there it is. My official request for a healthy sticky baby. I am putting the fear aside and trusting now that it will come.

be careful what you wish for

I know I wished for every pregnancy symptom in the book. Well, I got them. The all day morning sickness is unbearable. Imagine the worse hangover you've ever had. Now imagine it day after day after day with no end in sight.

I've barely gotten out of bed all weekend. My poor husband has been doing everything for me -- laundry, groceries, even opening the refridgerator for me (I can't do it without holding my breath and turning my head away.) But now he is gone for four days and I'm wondering how on earth I am going to take care of myself, never mind go to work tomorrow.

The worse part is that I feel so guilty not loving this. I know I am blessed to be pregnant again. I still thank God every single day. But here's my confession. I don't like feeling like this. In fact I hate it. I despise it. I can't believe that this torture could go on for weeks. At least with a hangover you know it's just a one-day deal. I feel trapped in a black hole of nausea.

Still, though, I wouldn't trade it away. I keep thinking about that little heart beating inside of me. Reminding myself that I am growing a person. And I know this horrible sickness is a sign that this baby is healthy. No, I wouldn't trade it for anything.